


Love Hurts

by bakers_impala221



Series: Codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Acceptance, Allusions to abusive parenting, Ally Sam Winchester, Bi Dean, Bisexual Dean, Brotherly Love, Canon Universe, Canon-Based, Canon-Compliant, Coda, Coming Out, Confession, Destiel - Freeform, Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Just thought I'd add that one in there, Love, Love Hurts, M/M, Mildred Baker - Freeform, References to Homophobia, Repressed love, Repression, Se11ep13, Season 11 episode 13, Understanding, references to Se11ep11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21691834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakers_impala221/pseuds/bakers_impala221
Summary: Sam asks about the form of the qareen that Dean saw. Dean confides in him and confesses something probably long-overdue.Basically a rewrite (which y'all know just means "fix") of Se11Ep13, Love Hurts.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Codas [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756792
Comments: 4
Kudos: 131





	Love Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> I'd been wanting to write this since first watching the episode, but I rewatched it yesterday, and after reading about two fanfictions on the subject (it was all I could find, which surprised me), I just jumped into action, knowing exactly what I'd write.  
> Sam's response during the last scene vividly echoed the response of an accepting family member to an LGBTQI+ 'coming out' moment, especially considering the parallels between Sam and Matty Cuevas (Jesse's brother) made in episode 19, who was very accepting of his brother being gay.  
> It really bothered me not having any kind of closure from that knowledge, and writing this sort of helped. I hope it does you the same.  
> Thank you for reading!

‘So, you gonna keep me in suspense here, or what?’ Sam asked, clutching and folding a flannel in his arms as he crossed the floor to his bed to stuff it away into his bag.

Dean stood upright, wandering across the room to stand by the divider. ‘About what?’ he asked, breathing heavily through his mouth, knowingly. He stood expectantly, watching his brother.

‘Who was it, Bach or Simpson?’ Sam asked, his tone light, curious.

Dean sighed softly for a moment, contemplative. After a moment, he replied. ‘Neither.’

‘Huh,’ Sam said, huffing out a breath, his face downturned to his backpack, clearly waiting for more, but not pressing. Dean could’ve hugged his brother for his respectful silence. Both of them knew… this wasn’t his business unless Dean wanted it to be, curiosity be damned.

Dean picked up his own bag, thinking. He remembered what Mildred had observed in him weeks before about him pining after someone else. At the time, Dean had thought she’d been talking about Amara; sensed that bond between them that she’d somehow forced on him. How impossible it was to just… _act_ when he was around her. To act like a normal soldier facing his enemy.

But yesterday when that quareen had come after him like some fucking… metaphor or… no, more like a manifestation of his… well, _deepest, darkest desires._ Maybe it shone some light on the whole situation a little. Maybe.

Dean resisted the urge to cough at the lump in his throat, watching his brother’s hardly-restrained curiosity come off him in waves. Or maybe it was subtle, but Dean definitely knew his brother well enough by now to recognise the tenseness in his shoulders, and the slightly jerky movements in his packing. They both stayed silent, deep in pensive thinking, Dean’s stomach feeling the slight jab of nausea as he considered speaking.

Then Mildred’s words came to mind again. Coming across a retirement home like that had dredged up all sorts of feelings he’d hardly thought of, well… ever. An actual desire for retirement. Longing for full, long life; of normalcy. Or something akin to it, anyway. Both he and Sam had seen their fair share of monsters, obviously. Far too much horror for normalcy after that, anyway. But perhaps they could settle down eventually, assuming they actually made it out.

But what she’d said… asking him if he wanted the answer to living a long, happy life. Well, yeah, maybe for once he really did. And of all the things Dean expected to hear, it wasn’t to “follow your heart.” But he guessed it made sense, really.

_You do that, and all the rest just figures itself out._

Resisting the urge to cough again, and instead opting to swallow down his anxiety, Dean looked up, watching his brother’s back for a moment, speaking before he could reconsider.

‘It was Cas.’

Sam zipped his bag up roughly, clearing his throat lightly before turning around. ‘Does that surprise you?’

‘It doesn’t surprise you?’ he asked, turning as he followed his brother’s movements.

Sam laid the bag on the table by the window, turning back to face Dean. ‘Honestly?’

‘”Honestly?” You seriously think that a friggin’ angel of the lord is my deepest, darkest desire?’

‘He isn’t?’

‘No!’ Dean exclaimed. _Fuck no,_ he didn’t _desire_ Cas. ‘He can’t be,’ he finished, feeling almost resigned.

‘Why not?’ Sam asked, his voice even, almost soft.

‘Why!? Because if he is that means I’m…’ Dean trailed off, looking around the room desperately as though hoping to find the words there.

‘Means your what? Different? Weak? Evil?’

‘For starters, yeah!’ Dean said, feeling almost desperately hopeless, instantly wishing he hadn’t said anything to begin with, and trying to ignore that sinking feeling in his stomach as Sam sat down, signifying the start of a “proper” conversation, wiping his hands along his Jeans and looking serious and so, completely, _annoyingly_ unjudgmental over the entire fucking thing.

‘Dean,’ he said, his voice careful, solemn. ‘Do you honestly think that you ever had a choice in the matter?’

Dean felt his heart sink.

‘Look, feelings like this… everyone gets them, okay? And whether this is about his gender, species, or what it, I don’t know, _says_ about you as a person… if you think I’m gonna blame you or judge you… I’m not.’

Dean looked down at the floor, his chest hurting and his entire body filled with shame. ‘You know I never wanted this… to _be…_ like this.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ Sam’s eyes were soft when Dean looked back up at him. ‘And I also know that you’ve probably beaten yourself up a hundred times over it, probably more, but Dean, where has that ever gotten us?’

Dean just looked at him, everything in him aching more than it did in the aftermath of the majority of the fights he’d been in.

Sam looked down and sighed. ‘Just how bad is it?’ he asked -almost whispered.

Dean took a moment, considering. For some reason, he opted for the truth, too far gone with this honesty to back out now anyway.

‘Standing here right now, every bone in my body hates me for it; feels like jumping back into the pits of Hell to burn there again because I know I deserve it. And I know I’m supposed to tell him, or whatever, but when I’m near him, I don’t know. Something happens and I can’t explain it, but I just can’t. It’s like every person who’s ever made some stupid comment about the whole thing just runs through my head and it’s like I’m burning up or something, and I’m so scared.’ He shook his head, watching as Sam nodded slightly in understanding.

‘I’m screwed man. I’m fucked in the head. I wanna tell him -hell, sometimes I need to tell him- but I don’t think I can. I’m sorry to do that to him, ya know, but when it comes down to it…’

Sam stared at him for a moment, his eyes full of understanding and empathy. They both knew where this all came from -hell, it’s pretty damn obvious- and as much as he tried not to, Dean hated himself for it. For everything.

‘I get it, Dean.’ And Dean looked up at his brother as he nods fully, clearly trying his hardest to convey the depth of the statement, but Dean couldn’t take it. He looked back down, away from the piercing scrutiny of his brother’s unjudgemental gaze before walking out, closing the door behind him and leaving Sam to mull over all the new revelations for a moment.

When Sam followed him out, both their bags hanging from his hands, Dean was already sitting in the driver’s seat, clutching Baby’s wheel tightly in his hands, having restrained himself from leaning forward and resting his forehead on his arms in shame and defeat.

When Sam got close enough to the passenger door to not be able to see him, Dean closed his eyes for a moment, breathing out a final, calming breath before the long, awkward drive together, almost tempted to force Sam into the back just to distance him.

When Sam’s weight shook the entire car as he fell into the seat beside him, Dean switched into autopilot, automatically reaching over for the radio to shove on a song to fill in the silence and avoid giving his brother the temptation to press for more information or provide -God help them all- some kind of second heart-to-heart on the matter.

With the steady tune of _The Rain Song_ filling the air around them, Dean started the car, almost aggressively daring Sam to speak. When he didn’t, Dean resisted the urge to glance over at him as he sat shotgun, and instead kept his eyes trained forward as he drove off down the road, his mind set on anything but Cas or Amara.

**Author's Note:**

> Also, I'd just like to add that I'm not in any way trying to disregard aromantic people, who of course, don't feel romantic attraction ever, in most cases. I considered for a while to change it, but I realised that that is exactly how I'd imagine Sam would have actually phrased it (that everyone gets romantic feelings at some point), and opted to keep it in, with this apology.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed, and leave me kudos and comments if you did.


End file.
